A Pet's Death Can Hurt MoreThan Losing a Fellow Human

喪寵之痛痛於喪親

Dyani Sabin 戴妮·薩賓

The perfect coffin for a gerbil is a Celestial Seasonings tea box. With the tea bags removed， the white wax-paper bag inside is the ideal size funeral shroud for a tiny body. This unfortunate factoid， like much of the information about how to dispose of a beloved pet's body， comes from personal experience. I buried four gerbils in my backyard as a child， complete with incense on their graves and a few words.

As an adult with a puppy well on his way to being over 60 pounds， I hadn't given much consideration to how I'd deal with other pet deaths until a friend asked me， “this is a terrible question， but what do you do when he dies？”

I dug into the question， and as I did I found that I wasn't alone in wondering—but that there isn't a great answer.

The experts I talked to emphasized that our relationship to pet loss has changed over the last century. “It's not surprising to me that we feel such grief over the loss of a pet， because in this country at least they are increasingly considered family members，” says Leslie Irvine， a sociologist at the University of Colorado-Boulder.

Pets become family members because they actively shape how we live. “A lot of people who have pets wake up at a certain time， not because of any alarm clock or any need of their own but because their dog needs a walk，” says Irvine.

And it isn't just a daily ritual that makes pets familial. We form attachments to animals in the same way that we form attachments to people， says Cori Bussolari， a psychologist at the University of San Francisco. She points to a study in Science from 2015 that found when people gazed into a dog's eyes， both the person and the dog had increased levels of oxytocin. Oxytocin， sometimes called the love hormone， regulates social interactions. It's released when humans stare into each other's eyes， and when parents look at their newborn children. “I'm sure if you did the study with other animals it would be the same，” Bussolari says.

I already imagine losing my puppy will be harder than burying my gerbils， but I also didn't stare into my gerbils' eyes quite as much. No matter the species，our bonds with our pets are unlike our other relationships. For one， Bussolari says， they're entirely dependent on us. For another， Irvine says， “we idealize animals， especially dogs. We create them as these almost angelic characters， so we have this idea of unconditional love for us.” When they die， she explains， it almost seems like a violation of this mythos we've built around them.

On a personal level， the death of a pet is often a person's first exposure to the loss of a close relationship， says Thomas Wrobel， a psychologist at the University of Michigan-Flint. Human death has been relatively sanitized， he explains. We have an industry for funerals and cremations， and you don't typically have to deal with a dead body yourself. “With pets it's a lot more in your face，” says Wrobel. “Unless you do the cremation option， you've got this dead dog you have to deal with， which is a lot more intimate experience of the death.”

With pets， you also have to decide if you are going to euthanize， and when. In a study of 305 pet owners，Bussolari found that almost seventy percent chose to euthanize their pet. It's often medically necessary—the kindest thing to do for a dying animal—but the decision can wrack the owner with guilt.

When you lose a person， there are rituals—the funeral， the memorial—and it's acceptable to take time off work and talk about your loss. “What people grieving the loss of a pet don't realize the first time they lose a pet is the strength of the grief and how long it lasts，” says Wendy Packman， a psychologist at Palo Alto University. “So it surprises the griever， and it really surprises the people who aren't sympathetic to pet loss.”Although Packman has found that the depth and length of grief is similar to how we grieve people， this social stigma causes it to feel more painful.

對一隻沙鼠來說，詩尚草本茶葉公司的茶盒就是一副完美的壽棺。取出袋裝茶，裏面白色的蠟紙襯袋拿來裹住嬌小的身軀，大小剛剛好。跟很多介紹怎樣處置心愛寵物的屍體的信息一樣，這一令人嘆惋的亦真亦假場景來自個人經歷。孩童時期的我把4只沙鼠埋在後院，正兒八經地在它們的墳頭焚上幾炷香、說上幾句話。

現在，作爲成年人，養着一隻體重直逼60磅以上的小狗，我從來沒有好好想過寵物死了該怎麼辦，直到有位朋友問我：“這是一個令人不快的問題，他死了你怎麼辦？”

我認真思考了這個問題，在這個過程中發現不是隻有我一個人在琢磨這件事，而且這個問題也沒有很好的答案。

我問過的專家們強調，我們與寵物過世的關係在過去一個世紀裏發生了變化。科羅拉多大學博爾德分校社會學家萊斯莉·歐文說：“失去寵物讓人們非常悲痛，我並不感到喫驚，至少在我們這個國家，人們越來越把寵物當做家人來看待。”

寵物成爲家庭成員是因爲它們有力地塑造了我們的生活。歐文說：“很多養寵物的人到了一定時間就會醒來，不是被鬧鐘叫起來，也不是因爲自己有什麼需求，是因爲狗需要出去遛遛。”

寵物成爲家庭成員不僅是因爲它們融入我們的日常生活。舊金山大學心理學家科麗·布索拉里說，我們對動物產生情感跟我們對人產生情感的機制是一樣的。她指出，《科學》週刊2015年的一篇論文稱，當人凝視狗的雙眼時，人與狗體內的催產素水平雙雙上升。催產素又稱“愛的荷爾蒙”，可以調節社交。當兩人四目相接或者當父母看着剛出生的孩子時，身體就會釋放這種物質。布索拉里說：“我敢肯定，換用別的動物來試驗也一樣。”

我已經猜想失去我的小狗會比當年埋葬沙鼠更令人難過，不過那時我倒也沒有這麼經常地與沙鼠們四目相接。無論是什麼寵物，我們與它們的關係與我們的其他關係通通不同。首先，布索拉里說，寵物完完全全依賴我們。其次，歐文說，“我們會把動物、特別是狗理想化。我們賦予它們幾乎天使般的角色，認爲它們對我們有無條件的愛”。當它們死去時，那簡直像是褻瀆了我們圍繞它們打造的這個神話。

密歇根大學弗林特分校的心理學家托馬斯·弗羅貝爾說，就個人而言，寵物死亡往往是一個人第一次遇到喪失親密關係的情況。人類的死亡相對來說已經得到了淨化處理。我們有專門的喪葬產業，一般不必親手處理屍體。弗羅貝爾說：“寵物則基本無法迴避。如果不選擇火葬，死掉的狗總得想個辦法來處理，這樣一來跟死亡的接觸就直接多了。”

另外，對於寵物，我們還得決定是否採用安樂死以及何時採用安樂死。布索拉里調查了305名養寵物的人，發現近70%的人決定對寵物施用安樂死。從醫學角度來說，這樣做往往是必要的——對一隻奄奄一息的動物來說是最仁慈的做法——然而這個決定帶來的內疚可能讓主人飽受煎熬。

當親朋好友離世時，我們會完成一套儀式——葬禮、悼念——爲此休假、傾訴悲痛都是容許的。帕洛阿爾託學院的心理學家溫迪·帕克曼說：“痛失寵物的人第一次遇到這種情況時意識不到這種悲傷有多麼強烈，持續多麼長時間，所以悲痛者感到意外，而體諒不到喪寵之痛的人也真的很驚訝。”帕克曼發現喪失寵物的悲痛程度、持續時間跟我們爲親朋好友亡故而感到的悲痛差不多，但是社會的不認同使之愈發痛苦。（於曉華譯自美國《大衆科學》月刊網站5月1日文章）